what is it i love about today? i love….
if only i could remember this every day and keep my loving lists going… more love, more power, more control, more me…
i don’t know how to feel – i finally got what i wanted (or least i think what i wanted) with justice… but now he’s gone, i don’t know how i feel.. i feel a bit lonely, but i know keeping him here was the wrong thing because it was selfish… how do you tell someone who loves you that you don’t feel the same way? how do you tell someone that cares that much about you that you don’t feel the same way? it’s one of the hardest things to do… well, for me it is… and i have the feeling of not really wanting to let go – just keep him on the side in case i change my mind… i guess i’ll have to deal with that… it takes time and a bit of mental energy, so here’s the start of something new and something that can change my life… cheers to new beginnings, new starts, and cutting ties with the past!!!
ten things i love today:
what will i love tomorrow? who knows? only time will tell…
so it feels inevitable now… i seem to be breaking the physical things that are tying me to the past… breaking furniture, breaking bowls and glasses, breaking anything that’ll break to break the ties to my past… i’m not consciously doing it, but it seems like anything that holds a memory from the past is being broken… every time it happens, i just look and think “this has got to be telling me something; it can’t all just be coincidences”… how much can amount to coincidence? how much could be my subconscious talking to me? how significant is all this? thankfully, nothing too expensive or valuable has been broken, but still, replacing what has been physically broken is not as easy as it sounds… i need to get paid and get on top of that situation as soon as i can… grr… but i do get the feeling that there is something symbolic happening… i’ve said this is my new start, new beginning, new life, new me… maybe this is my unconscious way of ensuring that i’m breaking the bonds to my past… it’s probably about time that it happened, but i just wish it wouldn’t happen in such an obvious way… i wish it could just be me realising and deciding that it’s time… the smash and crash of everything sounds so deafening and yet so “normal”… i never want it to be normal, but it’s starting to feel like that… so here are some things for me to reflect on: what is keeping me tied to my past? what do i need to sever from my past? what is my weakness there?
Copy and paste into your own note, then type in your answers. One word only, please.
Where is your cell phone…………………desk
Your hair………………….………………ponytail
Your father………………..……………..hardworking (yes! it is one word!)
Your mother………………..…………….passionate
Your favorite thing………………………..hugs
Your dream last night……………………..racing
Your favorite drink………………………..americano
Your dream/goal…………….……………inspiration
The room you are in………………………office
Your fear………………….………………insufficiency
Where do you want to be in 6 years……..home
Muffins……………….…………………..chocolate
One of your wish list items………………..house
Where you grew up……………………….Korea
The last thing you did…………………..…thought
What are you wearing……………….……dress (don’t laugh! it’s true!)
Your TV……………………………………philistine
Your pets………………….………………future
Your computer…………………………….corner
Your life………………….……………….complicated
Your mood………………….…………….introspective
Missing someone……………….…………now
Your car…………………..………………baby!!
Favorite store…………………………….Loot
Your summer………………..…………….over
Your favorite color………………………..black
When is the last time you laughed……….lunch
Last time you cried………………………..loneliness
Someone who emails me………………….family
my favorite foods………………………..potatoes
what is your big goal?
as it happens, i have a complicated life that never seems to be very predictable at all. first of all, there’s the whole area of my work life – i love my work, my work loves me, it’s all good… except that the job i really want is waiting for me and wants me to work there, but the silly red tape is taking forever to be cut. not to mention that if i change my workplace, i’ll probably take half of my clientele with me, which could be a problem in the end. although, my current employer may not realize it for a while… hmm… worth considering…
next we have my love life. well, i wouldn’t actually call it a love life, but the mere semblence of one. it has love; it has life; but it’s not a love life. again, it’s more of a situation where i could go either way and end up at the same place in the end. i just want to choose the right path – the one where i get hurt the least… however, i’m beginning to think that it’s not really possible because the interwoven lives, loves, and realities are a little too complex and intertwined to be separated easily. even though it may be best to try as hard as i can, i’m not sure if i can ever unwind them, set them free, let them live in the different parts of my life without each other… and this is just the tip of the iceberg, as the metaphor has it, because the complex emotions that are involved in this situation are complicated enough that one almost needs a phd in anything to begin to even understand how they are intertwined. hmm, again, complicated…
on top of all this, i also (sometimes unfortunately) have a brain and a conscience. this combination seems to be deadly in my life: if i didn’t have a conscience, i could do whatever my brain desires without caring about the people i might hurt in the process. however, as i have a conscience, i care about them. now, if i had a conscience without a brain, i wouldn’t have realised that i could hurt those people. hmm… maybe if i remove my brain, or my conscience, i might be able to live a life that is more enjoyable than this one. i would say more exciting, but my life is pretty exciting, or lively at least, so i’m not sure about that one.
liveliness comes in many forms in my life – the people i meet, the experiences i have, the work i do, the life i lead, and on occasion, those people that have a profound effect on me even though they are oblivious to the fact. these people tend to be the most exciting people for me – how can they realise the effect they’ve had on me when i’m in shock about it myself? sometimes, it’s quite understandable, but other times it’s unbelievable. an understandable incident happened a few weeks ago while i was on a bus home. there was a young family on the bus and their youngest son, all of about 12 months old, was quite sick – feeding tube hanging out the nose and all… however, this baby boy had the biggest eyes and cheekiest grin i’ve ever seen – and he was happy to share them with all the other passengers on the bus. to imagine that a baby who seemed so sick was so happy – how could he put up with his pain? how could he not realise the pure joy that he was radiating? how could he not realise that his smile along could have powered the bus all the way home? his innocence and genuine happiness was a true gift – both in his life and in the lives of those people he met. i’ve never seen anything quite like it before or since – pure joy, pure happiness, pure innocence… pure life…
there is so much more to write about the intricacies of being me, but alas, there is little time tonight. i will continue this post again soon… and you will begin to see what it means to be me… hmm…
Life this year will be full of changes and one of the things that I’m going to try to do is keep a blog to keep everyone up-to-date. 2008 will be one hectic year and I’ll be moving all around the place – country to country, city to city – so to try and keep a track of it all, I will aim to write here at least once a week. I guess if I find a good place to settle down, then I’ll be able to write more often, but I don’t want to predict the future just yet. I know that this year will be better than last year and I know that there will be many changes in my life.
The biggest change will, of course, be the fact that I’m moving back to Australia. This was a huge decision to make, but it is going to be one of the best decisions I’ve made. I’m not saying that coming to Korea was bad – it was just the opposite: one of the best decisions in my life. However, it is now time to move on to the next chapter in my life and get on with living rather than being stuck in the rut that I’m in here. (Is it really a rut? Or is my life here just stale now?) I will also be changing things like my career path and doing some more study. I have an idea about this, but it will come out all in good time.
One of the things that I am really looking forward to doing when I get back to Australia is taking a big road trip from Brisbane to Melbourne and stopping off at all the little places in between. This means that, hopefully, I’ll get to see lots of friends who are currently scattered all over the east coast. I am planning to do this in late June or early July, just depending on the available transportation options and my study schedule. Ideally, I’ll take two weeks to get from A to B, and stop in all over the place. The idea of doing a big road trip is so wonderfully intoxicating that I can hardly wait to start. This makes me wonder a bit because I’ll do the trip half way through 2008 – a good six months away! How can I wish half the year away like that? It seems a waste to wish half a year away, but it is how I feel. I know that a lot of good will happen before then, but the road trip is a goal I have and I will achieve it!
That’s about all I can think of for now. I just finished a class, so I really should get to preparing my next one.
Happy New Year~~~
Tabula Rasa 