procrastination should be an artform…

that is, procrastination about anything and everything… i keep the ‘add new post’ page open in the hope that i’ll actually get around to posting something today or soon.. i know i need to post – it’s been ages and i’ve been going through so much that i need to get it out… but sometimes my procrastination spirit kicks in and i don’t get around to it… i want to become a blogger with something good to say – something witty, something interesting, something that doesn’t sound like i’m bitching all the time… i just don’t know if i have it in me… i want to write about the beautiful things in life, but sometimes the dark thoughts come and swallow me up and all i can actually write is ‘bad’… although i can use it as a form of release, i’d rather not release it like that into the world… all of the negative energy associated with it all will just feed into the negative energy that is in the world right now… there’s a bit less than there was about a year ago, but it’s still predominantly negative and it makes us burdened without good reason… but i still can’t get rid of the negativity sometimes… and i need an out… i’m wondering if the blogosphere is a good place or if i should just write it all down and then burn it up… still thinking about it all…

but anyway, partly because of the negativity in this blog and the outlet i sometimes need, i think i’m going to split my blogging personality – this will remain as a personal journey through good and evil and i’ll create another blog that will only have positive posts… or at least, that will be my aim… and hopefully i’ll start to find that i spend more time on the other blog… i’ll keep you all posted (not that there’s many of you, but still… a girl can dream, can’t she?) and hopefully i’ll be writing more positive blogs and perhaps more interesting blogs in the future… just need to get rid of some of the negativity that attacked me yesterday… lol~

all it takes

…is having the right attitude…  it seems so simple, but when you get into negative thought patterns, it’s so hard to get out of them… the first step is recognising the negative self talk and negative thought patterns… as soon as you can start to eliminate them, it seems to get better… and then it gets a little easier… and a little easier… and hopefully, you’ll be able to eliminate all negative thought patterns… that is a hard task, but i’m sure you’ve seen people who are constantly, forever happy and delighted by life… those people are living in positive thoughts, positive mindsets, positive lives… so why is it so hard to be positive all the time? what makes a lot of us turn towards negativity and negative behaviors and thoughts so often? honestly, i’m not sure… but there’s a quote/phrase/saying i want to bring to mind… as i’ve heard so many times, and as i’m reading a lot these days, it’s a lot harder to live than to die… dying is easy – it’s living that’s hard… so we are doing the hard thing – living – and it does take a lot of energy to stay alive and stay with the world… so maybe that’s got us off on the wrong foot to start with… maybe that saying is so inherently negative that we need to wipe it from our minds… or maybe we need to live by it – knowing that life is hard, but we only get once chance in this life to try to get it “right” – right for us… yes, we may have other lives later, but unless we are truly lucky, we won’t realise it at the time… so, we need to live our lives for now, for today, for us, for our friends, for our families, for this world that we’re in right now…  we should try to live in the moment and never let those negative thoughts get the better of us… sure – we can have negative thoughts, but we can’t live by them… that’s what creates negative lives, negative experiences, negative worlds… we have to believe in ourselves, in our life, in our world… have a positive belief in what we’re doing, why we’re here, why we’re living… if not, then why are we here? just to do the hard thing – live? i hope not… i hope we’re here to LIVE today… to live as best as we can… to live for life… life is beautiful… life is wonderful… life is precious… life is everything!!!

crack the shutters…

You cool your bed-warm hands down on the broken radiator,
And when you lay them freezing on me, I mumble “can you wake me later?”
But I don’t really want you to stop and you know it so it doesn’t stop you
And run your hands from my neck to my chest

Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day
And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body
I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute
Cuz’ the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you

It’s been minutes, it’s been days, it’s been all I will remember
Happy lost in your hair and the cold side of the pillow
Your hills and valleys are mapped by my intrepid fingers
And in a naked slumber, I dream all this again

Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day
And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body
I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute
Cuz’ the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you

Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day
And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body
I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute
Cuz’ the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you…

life needs a new start sometimes…

sometimes it just isn’t enough… sometimes you need more… sometimes you need to restart to begin to breathe again… if only i could find the restart button in this crazy world… or better still, change time and travel to the future when all of this has passed and when everything is better and i’ve learned the lessons i need to learn… to a time when it doesn’t hurt so much – when things don’t seem so invincible… i need a touch of stardust to get me through… although i think that i am made from stardust at times… i crumble and dust when i feel out of place… it’s frustrating and annoying… as though i can’t even control what my mind does… not that i can control it that much at the best of times, but still a modicum of control would be nice some times… just a little… it would make my world a little more droll… just a little…

when it all comes crashing down

around you, how do you remain strong? how do you keep on living and working through it? when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and wish the world away, how do you move on and get yourself up in the morning? when everything seems hopeless and lost, how do to you stop yourself from spiraling down into a dark depth that will be hard to climb out of? how can you stop the negative thoughts that plague your mind? how can do anything???

i’m loving…

i’m finding it hard to love something today… i’ve had a rough couple of days and need to curl up into a ball and try to forget the world… but i want to find something to love right now… feel the love and work with it… so, here goes… i’m loving:

• friends who understand my idiosyncracities
• the energy that surrounds my brother & sister-in-law
• the love that my family shows me even when times are tough
• the love that i have for the titan – it’s so strong and secure…
• the many places that feel like home
• cuddles
• waking up early in the morning looking at someone i care about
• having theme songs that bring back memories
• the link between smell and memory – such a strong connection

to live in a perfect world…

…would be absolutely mind blowing right now… how i wish i could make everything work out and make everything perfect… now that i know i’ve found the right guy, how can i make it work? how can i get it to fit into what my life is right now? i wish life could be simpler sometimes… like when i realise exactly what i want, but when i’ve put myself into a place where i can’t get it… grr… that frustrates me… i found it; i finally found it… and now i can’t have it because i changed my life path to get away from one person… to get away from justice, i had to leave… now i want to come back to be with my (titan,) but i’m in a situation where i can’t… if i do, i risk losing everything else in my life… and i mean everything – except some basic possessions… i’ll lose my livelihood, respect for myself, the ability to look people directly in the eye, my sanity, my life… but i will gain my love… i wonder if i’m patient enough to wait until the right time… i really don’t want to, now that i’ve found him… now that i know it’s real… now that i know i’m a “goner”… i just want to drop everything, lose everything, and be there… whatever it takes… i can do it; i know i can… he doesn’t believe i can, but i know my strength, i know my dedication; i know me… how can i get him to see? how can i get him to believe me? how can i get him to trust me? i guess it just takes time, but i don’t want to wait… i really don’t want to wait… now that i know… i really don’t want to wait… but patience is a virtue, isn’t it? patience is a “fruit of the spirit” (if you believe that)… patience is the key… but i don’t know if i can be patient… i know i can be impatient, but i wonder about the patience… hmm… something to try… and what if i can’t be patient? what if i can’t wait? what then? what can i do to make it work? what can i do to make myself stay relatively sane? how can i live with my love? what dilemmas i create for myself… how i dislike it most times… but, the joy for today – for this week – for this time, i have found my love… woo hoo for me!!!

does wanting something make you believe in it?

an interesting question to propose… does wanting something make you believe in it? as usualy for me, i don’t see this as a black and white question and then i start to look at what’s behind the question…. if wanting something makes you believe in it, does it make it true? if i want to be a successful person in my field, does that help me believe in it? yes, i think it does… if i believe in it, does it make it true? not necessarily… but it has the potential to make it true, to make it real for me… what’s real for me does not have to be real for everyone else, however in my example, i’d love it to be real for everyone else because then it would be true and i would believe it and (hopefully) still want it… a never-ending circle of productivity… perhaps… however, if wanting something unhealthy makes me believe in it, which makes it true for me, is it “good”? if i want to be the skinny hollywood-esque cover girl, then i can believe in it and make it true for myself… if i take action on this, then i could end up in a never-ending cycle of dieting, unhealthy eating habits, self-loathe, and all manner of nasties… so this appears “bad”… such a seemingly simple question has become a maelstrom of different emotions, ideas, and beliefs… how can it be good? how can it be bad? what are the underlying questions? how does that affect me? how do i feel about this question? in my life, am i wanting something so much that i’m believing that it’s true when it’s not? is this a harmful or a helpful thing? where do i go with this new line of thinking? how is it playing out in my life? how do i want it to play out in my life? oh dear… so many more things to start thinking about… where to start without getting myself all mixed up…. hmm…

what do you do that gives you joy?

a very good question that leads to a variety of answers for me… but what it also brings to light is that i do a lot of things that don’t give me joy… and most of those things are my choices and i control them… so it begs the question: why do i do things that don’t bring me joy when i’m fully aware that they don’t bring me joy? what is the driving force behind this apparent insanity? do i really not give myself enough worth that i’d rather do things that don’t bring me joy when i know the simple things that can bring me joy? why can’t i realise that what i’m doing is not bringing me joy AND THEN CHANGE IT???? sometimes i feel like i’m a rather slow learner… i know what to do to make myself happy and joyful, yet i choose not to do those things…. it seems rather masochistic to me… i do need to change that… i do need to make the effort to love myself more so that i will be bringing joy into my life every day…

to keep with the theme of giving joy to oneself, here’s a short, but ever-growing, list of things that i love doing and that bring me joy:

• photography – particularly with macro and nature
• moving and traveling
• exercising by myself
• thinking about life
• drawing in my journal
• writing personal pieces for myself to help better understand myself
• drinking coffee
• learning new things
• finding the “right” object to go in a particular space
• …

i want to make the commitment to myself to actively try to do these things every day – not all of these things, but at least one or two… i want to free myself from the cycle of self hate… i want to love myself enough to do these things that bring me joy… i want to be free to be who i truly am… i want to be me… 100% no-holds-barred me…

Ada Lovelace Day (aka Women in Tech)

So, I’m blogging on women in technology today. It can be about anything related to technology, thus I’ve chosen my favourite female of the moment – Danielle LaPorte of http://www.whitehottruth.com fame. She is an inspiring example of how women can change the world one day at a time. Danielle’s website is full of motivational information as well as the regular ramblings that occur in creative minds. She is a dedicated blogger who sends out emails on many days of the week with little tidbits that make us all think. The post that got me addicted was her take on purpose in life. She has a very unique perspective and has shown me that we can be whoever we want to be – regardless of everything. Danielle’s mantra is “self realisation rocks” and I tend to agree. As far as I am concerned, Danielle is a woman to be inspired by and her use of technology to break all barriers to reach her dedicated fans is amazing. She truly achieves her goal and technology helps her along the way every day.